We all have bad habits that we form without our control. Some things shape us because of our own personal experiences and exposure to certain things. There was one habit/belief that I had the hardest time of reversing. I had the belief that I was not deserving and I did everything I could to pretend I did.
When I was young, the moment I learned and felt that some things that would happen to me would not be in my control, caused me to do everything in my power for a tight grip on things that I felt I did have control over.
I had been through things in my life rejection wise that really lowered my self esteem that made me so insecure that I managed to project it constantly. A lot of habits I formed as a young girl I took with me through my young adult life, which in part was projecting my insecurities. These were habits that I was blind to. If I felt like someone made me feel good and deserving, I would try my hardest to maintain that feeling by holding on to it. That dependence hurt me plenty of times because ultimately it meant I placed my worth in someone else’s hands.
Even with the first person I have ever experienced something with, was the most artificial I have experienced. I was never open nor honest with my thoughts and feelings. I never felt comfortable enough to thinking it would be rejected. Taking that even through college, as much as I wanted a conversation and closure later on, I never got it and I was too prideful to be honest about it. Now though, I have learned that not all questions need answers, especially if the questions have since been forgotten.
The dependency caused me to figured out how to shut off certain parts of me. I have experienced a sense of freedom in my adulthood but in dating since being able to shut certain parts of me off, I did not have the ability to connect. I learned to treat love like a game and I considered myself a pawn who’s only purpose is to play a role.
I have not learned properly how to build relationships or end them. My experience was all I knew. So on the outside I was happy and felt like I did all the right things but inside, I felt like I couldn’t trust. I automatically assumed every relationship would quickly fizzle and having that belief made me maintain emotional distance to prevent myself from feeling disappointed or sad when it happened.
It took me a long while and still I seldom find myself sitting in my insecurities which as humans we all do, no matter the amount of confidence. I would allow myself to think of all the things that could go wrong and try to put myself back into a hard shell of pride and ego. The thoughts of negativity swirled in my head.
The difference now is I can bring myself back on my own with the awareness of it’s occurrences. The reversal of this bad habit was the ultimate and best control I found that I could have in life.
Sometime ago last year, I’ve started picking up small habits to shift and detox my perspective. I listen to motivational speakers and stayed productive to keep myself feeling accomplished. This sense of increased worth by working on myself kept me busy and made me feel in control of my life. It opened my eyes to really take a look at what things I could do differently from what I have done in the past that could work positively and in my favor. I very shortly after felt the true acceptance that a lot of things that happened weren’t because I wasn’t good enough but that I let someone make me believe that I wasn’t good enough. I allowed it one last time before I realized I had to figure out how to break myself free from anyone’s view of me and focus on my own perspective.
I decided that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to love and be loved. I deserve to leave my past in the past and feel hopeful for the future. I deserve to appreciate the small things in my life. I deserve to consider the small things the big ones in my life. I deserve to forgive myself for the mistakes I made and forgive everyone else whether I received an apology or not. I deserve love from my fiancé’s side of the family and deserve to be loved from my side. I finally let myself be open this year. I no longer feel blame towards others nor feel sorry for myself.
The ability to push aside certain beliefs and allow new ones to form made me feel a sense of accomplishment. I felt like I was doing something positive to myself. Some people think that maturity comes with age but I found that not to be true. People can be in their 50’s and still be stuck in that their way is always right when it can be wrong and some people can be 20 having decades of experience which blessed them with wisdom. We all have our own clock in how we experience the life we live and how long it takes us to grow. I found that growth can be endless. There’s no age to stop maturing or growing.
I just remembered this intense sense of pushing myself to know I was worth the happiness I felt at a moment that I almost tried to convince myself that I wasn’t. There were why I can not’s and why I can’s that used to overwhelm my mind and for once I refused at the moment to let any of those thoughts come through. I refused to let anything that I’ve experienced negatively take over what I could experience. I just felt absolutely free in my mind for the first time. I felt like my emotions couldn’t get to me like they used to and I finally felt like I couldn’t convince myself to feel down. I used to remind myself why I needed to protect myself. I realized that if I protect myself, I won’t be able to let love in at the same time. I finally realized how much love I had in me that I want to give and can give without worrying too much about it. I don’t feel afraid anymore of being hurt or rejected because now to me, it means I didn’t hold back.