The “M” Word

Hello again. I have finally reached a moment of absolute clarity to where I can hear my thoughts as full of words unspoken with life that I felt the need to write.

A few weeks ago, I went through one of the worst times of my life since the start of the year. It’s really true what they say when they say you never think it’ll happen to you until it does. To be honest, it wasn’t that I thought it couldn’t happen to me but that it just never occurred to me of it happening until reality set in after the doctor spoke to me about it with sad eyes. Fortunately I read so much about it prior to it happening, that it luckily prepared my mind and eased a lot of thoughts I had.

I went through my first miscarriage. I feel brave to talk about it now because I finally allowed myself to accept it and move forward once we found out it was failing. That word is so strong with the way they said it. They called it a pregnancy failure ultimately. Technically that’s the term used for it but it sounds so negative. I was just fortunate enough to have met this situation with a mind that I’ve been prying open.

It all started when I was late but I was late and not pregnant, so it was very concerning to me what was going on. I had home pregnancies telling me I was pregnant and I had one doctor tell me it was too early to tell. I had to know since I was so late, why it showed I was pregnant when I’m not or if I was pregnant, why wasn’t it showing up? I continued on normalcy by working out and eating healthy. It was just nerve wrecking to not know what was going on until I finally went to my first doctor appointment and we saw the proverbial yolk sac but in my case, no fetal pole. I was stamped with threatened miscarriage which obviously sent me through an emotional downward spiral (with raging hormones no less). I was just stuck in the unknown, maybe a baby will show up but maybe not.

I got knowledgeable with terms and initially I was filled with hope because of all other stories and thinking,  maybe I can save it. I stayed as still as I could for 2 weeks, doing very minimal things, not working out, eating whatever I wanted. I know they say some of these things are inevitable but I couldn’t give up until I was given confirmation that it wasn’t happening.

My body finally took it’s course and did what it had to do to let it go. I felt relief, sad, and grateful all at once. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it at first because I didn’t want any sympathy. I think watching people with their sad eyes when I mention my miscarriage made me more sad than my actual miscarriage and I certainly didn’t want to cry about it. I think I just made it to a point in my life where I felt and knew there was the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt faith in myself and in my life that things will get better. Very shortly after I got over it and got back into my routines and habits. I was able to lift myself back up.

I knew I would because I always did. My mind state was that I would survive this and try again when I felt ready. I wanted to avoid the heartache of having it happen more than once in a year so I’m in no rush. I’m finally at peace with it and thought to myself, I wonder if I was ready anyway. Was there something in the Universe saying that it would be best if I waited longer? I always wondered if I was being protected from something that would’ve came from this. I always decided that if things happened the way it did that I would just trust the process. I knew it could have been worse than it was and for that I am grateful.

I just appreciate the support my mom gave me. I appreciated her more than ever because I’m not sure how well I would’ve went through it without a little bit of support from someone who has gone through it. I realized then how much only a little bit can do but not only that, I was grateful to get to know the experience so that if someone I know goes through it, I’d be able to be there for them too.

If you have any stories, feel free to post whether successful or not ❤ I’m just grateful to be alive, have the one that I do have and have felt love from my spouse throughout it all.

With Love,

Martha

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