At first, I think not fully processing what happened over the weekend became something of a transition. Thoughts whirled throughout my mind about what I wanted in life, what happened, why did it happen, and how could have I prevented it? I’d love to think that humans in this life could ask me what they wanted to know instead of assume but unfortunately, the world doesn’t work like that.
Lies are much more entertaining than the truth. So I decided, I won’t play victim to the lies. I will move with new intention of the truth that I know. I wondered if there would ever be a time that the world would change, to truly see it for what it is, just a beautiful miraculous piece of what we’ll only have but a taste of.
Maybe it’s just because that I know life is just what we have until it’s over for us. Most of us act like we are immortals and don’t realize how fragile life really is. I wasted no more than 24 hours thinking, harping, or dwelling on a specific moment. Luckily, I was pretty aware of what happened and what was going on so that, I may look back and simply observe and evaluate. Ultimately, I knew I needed to rearrange.
There was something broken about the way things happened. In weaving through reasons and actions, I’ve come to decide on something I dreaded initially. I didn’t know why I dreaded it so much. It was something I have done before and allowed time to naturally heal. Did I feel so much at that time that I let my feelings overshadow what I knew all along?
I’ve felt all my life that I don’t belong. I was never meant to conform, to be cool, nor part of the crowd. I realized after all, I don’t want to. I do want to still love and feel my softness but because of my desire to be somewhere not for me, I have felt the brokenness of me. I felt my flame start to dim. These past few months were of my fighting for my awakening. I felt something wasn’t for me as it used to and I decided, I do not want to find out, what it’s like to be the winner or the loser of this game that I created in my mind.
I think that last moment dictated how I was going to move on. I held on tight because I knew that was all I had left to give. I knew if I had something to give, even if it wasn’t reciprocated, I should give it. It was the forgiveness of me I needed to express knowing I wasn’t careful at first. I think I thought prior, well I’m pretty sure I knew it all and let myself flow with the freedom of indulging in what I thought was something worth indulging in, pretending it was freedom. That freedom turned into a prison of the mind.
I created such a fragile thing out of it. It’s funny sometimes, what your mind is capable of. Trapping itself in a glass bubble. The glass started to crack; the little bubble I created of happiness that I thought I needed, started to seep in truth with a force not even glue could fix. It started to change me. I felt myself deteriorating of what little innocence I had rebuilt- my inner child wanted to rebel and revolt.
What would I say to myself now? If I were a 6 year old me? If I were my own daughter? I’d say, “it’s okay to make mistakes, feel the things and act upon them for a moment. I am here for you. I forgive you and love you beyond your faults. I can never think the same things that others think of you because I know they’re not true. I know what is true in your heart and the only validating you need to seek is in you. Sure, it’s difficult to be a woman in this world, especially with rules not made for us to win but we have made it this far. The ceiling is ever changing and there is more beyond what you think there is.”
I thought this and for whatever reason, made my way to a person who I least expected to give me advice that could echo through my soul for this lifetime. Her advice I will forever cherish and appreciate. Post conversation, The realization hit me. What real conversation and connections I was missing out on, chasing shallow relationships that didn’t serve me, my future, nor my happiness.
We all go through these pains, struggles, and unhappiness. People often look at me and think that I’ve never been through such a thing because of the way I view life. So I wonder if that’s always going to be my superpower. I hope it is the one thing that never leaves me. The ability to see the silver lining behind every situation. It is the one thing my mother gave me that I’ll always remember she has, to this day. Because of women like her, and women like the friend I had a conversation with, I could endure anything this world could throw at me. We could all endure it.
Life I never assumed to be easy. I never expect it to any time soon. I don’t make it a point to remind myself of the pain or struggles of the past very often, nor the struggles of the current because then I am looking in darkness. I don’t expect anything or everything to be easier. I just hope God continues to give me the strength I need for every little thing.
Ultimately, my body gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My body worn and tired today, is strong because I did something amazing and created another wonderful human being to occupy this world as a loving soul full of innocence and life. This is my story. I hope it helps anyone out there, maybe going through some things and needs a reminder that you are worth the good life has to offer and things are temporary. Smile and laugh through it all. Learn from your experiences, good or bad and improve from them. They all have a hidden message that will give you the wisdom you need to pass on someday.