Hard Work Goes A Long Way

I’ve found myself to be talented of many things. Certain things naturally come to me, but the only thing I know that would bring me from point A to point B is discipline and persistence.

That’s the only thing that comes between one and their dreams-it’s the will to take it above and beyond each and every single day. In reality it gets hard when you’re around a few folks who feel like they gave up on their dreams and feel like they don’t need to think that far ahead. In many ways they will try to convince you to stop following yours and give up on yours. Many of those people will come to try and drain you until you end up where they want you.

I have made it far in my new job role, finding the willingness to move past mediocrity and put passion and love into what I do and I currently love doing it. It is teaching me the ways I need to be if I want to succeed in other parts of my life.

I am extremely grateful for the things I have learned since 2 years ago. I haven’t thought to learn or teach myself anything and spent hours everyday either sulking in my own disappointments or brainwashing myself via movies and television. I was completely uninspired and unmotivated as a mother, wife, and person.

After a few podcasts and different methods of motivating oneself and doing things to improve my life that I feel will improve the lives around me, I am currently able to easily brush past the unnecessary criticism and negativity and find ways to be my truest self. I learned to say no to things that I felt wasn’t serving me and bringing me to to myself. There were some things I had to let go of in order to honor the progress I have taken thus far.

And it’s all never easy. I’m constantly in a battle of joining the crowd and deciding to walk alone. Most times I do and I’m okay with it but sometimes I find little holes of void I want to fill in with mindless social activity but then I find I regret it, filling in pockets of void. I found to be much happier filling in the pockets of void with methods that make me happy and bring me joy.

I try to remember, my why, everyday. I want to work hard so that when an opportunity presents itself I can say I was prepared for it and allow my failures to lead me into better opportunities.

I heard great news today, that my productivity and numbers reflected my doing well and I admitted I get easily unmotivated but I find ways to motivate myself each and everyday and find ways to keep smiling. Even on the worst days I remind myself why I’m here and forgive myself. Just know you can never work too hard but you can always easily fall behind. It’s all about the seasons, in the words of Jim Rhon.

Love,

Martha

Advertisements

First Day of Kindergarten

First day of Kindergarten.

olivia6

I don’t remember much about being in school but I do remember not really having a great experience. I guess most of what I have been through was a result of ignorance and not having any mentorship or guidance relative to what we deal with in the United States. I am a first generation child of the US. My parents came here long ago and received their citizenship long ago to give me and my sister a better life, tale as old as time. Many people travel outside of the comfort zone of where there are to seek that “better life”.

Fast forward and I have created the second generation. My daughter is the first child I can give all this knowledge to and share experiences with. She and I will relate on many levels as she grows, since her path is headed towards womanhood. As she reaches certain stages in her life, I will be able to guide and love her in this world that is so ever changing and at the same time, predictable.

Nothing has prepared me for today. My emotions have been battered and beaten by the trials and tribulations of adulthood that I barely get emotional anymore and watch movies in order to cry but today, the tears flowed down my face and anxiety creeped up in waves throughout my body as I watched my first and only daughter so enthusiastically set up her backpack on the cubby. I felt my mental breakdown happening. I thought that because she goes to daycare, I would have been able to handle her independence a lot better than I did but my mind and heart knew that this was the new next step of her life. She wasn’t at daycare anymore with her usuals and I was able to witness this milestone.

I was excited and anxious at the same time and my daughter, gave me the comfort I needed to know that she was okay. Meanwhile, the teacher hugged me as I was looking around trying to wipe tears from my eyes, turning away from my daughter so she won’t see that I’m having this slight emotional moment so that I do not to pass it on to her. I took one last peak in the room as the teacher announced, “see you at 2”, watching my daughter gab some toys and play. I walked away feeling the height of my emotions start to settle and feeling my anxiety subside as I took a deep breath in and out and watched all the other mothers, calm as can be, get in their cars and leave. I sat in the car for a moment, contemplating where the time went, remembering all the ways I loved my daughter the past 5 years. Seeing she is now 5 and not a baby anymore.

No amount of books or youtube videos consumed would have been able to get me to comprehend that what we create will go off on their own and we just have to let go each and every time to trust that they will be making the right choices and even to love them if they don’t. I have faith though. I trust that she will attempt to make the right choices and I will not condemn her if she doesn’t but only correct and guide her.

I love you Olivia, I hope one day you can read this and know these are the things I felt with you.

Love,

Martha

Weekend Festivities

Hey guys,

So we just got back from Cleveland on Sunday and spent most of it just around town. It appears the goal was to attend the Puerto Rican parade and let me tell you, there is no culture more proud and loud than Puerto Rican people. Every 3 vehicles that we passed by had a Puerto Rican flag hanging out and it was to the point where my child wanted to join in those festivities.

For the most part we weren’t able to be physical at the parade but we got lucky enough to enjoy the culture in other forms. In the first picture above reflects the picture taken at the Campus Grille restaurant which serves amazing Puerto Rican food.

IMG_0048Of course we couldn’t leave without stopping by one of our favorite Herbalife shops. The one we go to is Westpark Nutrition. They serve amazing shakes and teas. Afterwards we hit the gym right next to the Nutrition Club.

It was a perfectly relaxing weekend filled with shopping for school supplies and filled with coming up with back to school ideas.

Anyway, not much else to report. Just now exploring different ways to improve the content. Let me know if you have any feedback! 🙂

Love,

Martha

Energies

A question presented itself today about energies- that we attract what we are. I used to think that was true and almost at one point I thought it was nothing but the truth. Later on I realized sometimes as humans we can bring out the toxic side we worked so hard to heal- allowing the inhibitions we hid underneath our changes roam wild.

It’s also true that some people find an exact replica of what they are and it works for them. Some people believe opposites attract and in the same sense some people believe they cannot be with someone they don’t have anything in common with. It all comes down to each person with their own preference of what kind of person they’re willing to be with their entire life with or however long they decide. There are so many options because of technology and it makes it that much harder to find that great relationship that withstands it all. In reality, the opportunities and options are endless.

I find myself finding people attracted to similar qualities of themselves to some extent. It’s like there are times you notice certain relationships and you can see why they work so well with each other. I have also found certain people who can’t stand to be with someone like themselves and balance out someone who is nothing like them. Sometimes I wonder what the best recipe is for a relationship, wondering if mine contains the ingredients necessary for long term success, finding that it becomes work to make things continue to work.

I don’t always mean relationships as romantic relationships but relationships that you consider friendships even. There was a point in time that I was naive about that, completely. I find myself to this day still learning. Even though today, I ran into a situation in which I realigned with energy I enjoyed around me before that had awakened passions I didn’t know I had and it had finally reappeared back in my life.

Sometimes it’s ironic how life works. Certain people come into your life to teach you something- anything. Sometimes it’s pain, love, friendship, forgiveness.. etc. but every one teaches you something, something different than the first experience you had with them if they are the same person in a different phase of life. I’ve learned to accept and appreciate that some people come back because they’re meant to be there and if they aren’t, somehow they will disappear back into whatever path that takes them to another direction.

The thing about life is that not always will you be in their path and not always will they be in yours and life is about accepting that. You cannot force, beg, ask, or request that someone does something that is not in alignment with how they feel. Everyone has their own purpose for being here and it won’t be the same as yours. Everyone’s beliefs and experiences won’t be the same as yours and that is why this world is so beautiful and amazing. There is so much to learn from everyone, big or small. It can be as small as learning about the new cafe down your street to as big as the blueprint for a future plan.

It was as if the Universe knew this year, I was asking for a change in me, to wake up and grow into the beautiful life that I have, realizing that I was half asleep for a few months, dreaming. I find myself now, grateful and happy. I was able to mend things that were broken inside of me. I asked myself important questions about how I feel and why I feel them and taking action to fix those things to make the vibe around me much more intentional and less impulsive.

I am ready to continue to learn. Being almost 29 – feeling different than the girl I was 10 years ago with the same passions as the girl I used to be, continuing to grow and build into the things I used to love that I still love. I find it to be the most exhilarating experience.

Life is not to be taken for granted. We only have this one life, this one breath, and this one day to make decisions that will set the tone for the rest of our lives. Most importantly, forgiveness of the self is what will make the experience that much better. Forgive yourself every time and you will find that life isn’t so hard to deal with and that hope will always take you higher into clarity and love within yourself. Never expect anyone to be able to forgive or love you the way you will love you and never let anyones rejection, hurt, or trauma of themselves alter the way you feel and love yourself. Just know you’re worth the breath you’re breathing and take advantage of it everyday.

Above all, I love you and hope you enjoyed today’s message.

Love,

Martha

The “M” Word

Hello again. I have finally reached a moment of absolute clarity to where I can hear my thoughts as full of words unspoken with life that I felt the need to write.

A few weeks ago, I went through one of the worst times of my life since the start of the year. It’s really true what they say when they say you never think it’ll happen to you until it does. To be honest, it wasn’t that I thought it couldn’t happen to me but that it just never occurred to me of it happening until reality set in after the doctor spoke to me about it with sad eyes. Fortunately I read so much about it prior to it happening, that it luckily prepared my mind and eased a lot of thoughts I had.

I went through my first miscarriage. I feel brave to talk about it now because I finally allowed myself to accept it and move forward once we found out it was failing. That word is so strong with the way they said it. They called it a pregnancy failure ultimately. Technically that’s the term used for it but it sounds so negative. I was just fortunate enough to have met this situation with a mind that I’ve been prying open.

It all started when I was late but I was late and not pregnant, so it was very concerning to me what was going on. I had home pregnancies telling me I was pregnant and I had one doctor tell me it was too early to tell. I had to know since I was so late, why it showed I was pregnant when I’m not or if I was pregnant, why wasn’t it showing up? I continued on normalcy by working out and eating healthy. It was just nerve wrecking to not know what was going on until I finally went to my first doctor appointment and we saw the proverbial yolk sac but in my case, no fetal pole. I was stamped with threatened miscarriage which obviously sent me through an emotional downward spiral (with raging hormones no less). I was just stuck in the unknown, maybe a baby will show up but maybe not.

I got knowledgeable with terms and initially I was filled with hope because of all other stories and thinking,  maybe I can save it. I stayed as still as I could for 2 weeks, doing very minimal things, not working out, eating whatever I wanted. I know they say some of these things are inevitable but I couldn’t give up until I was given confirmation that it wasn’t happening.

My body finally took it’s course and did what it had to do to let it go. I felt relief, sad, and grateful all at once. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it at first because I didn’t want any sympathy. I think watching people with their sad eyes when I mention my miscarriage made me more sad than my actual miscarriage and I certainly didn’t want to cry about it. I think I just made it to a point in my life where I felt and knew there was the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt faith in myself and in my life that things will get better. Very shortly after I got over it and got back into my routines and habits. I was able to lift myself back up.

I knew I would because I always did. My mind state was that I would survive this and try again when I felt ready. I wanted to avoid the heartache of having it happen more than once in a year so I’m in no rush. I’m finally at peace with it and thought to myself, I wonder if I was ready anyway. Was there something in the Universe saying that it would be best if I waited longer? I always wondered if I was being protected from something that would’ve came from this. I always decided that if things happened the way it did that I would just trust the process. I knew it could have been worse than it was and for that I am grateful.

I just appreciate the support my mom gave me. I appreciated her more than ever because I’m not sure how well I would’ve went through it without a little bit of support from someone who has gone through it. I realized then how much only a little bit can do but not only that, I was grateful to get to know the experience so that if someone I know goes through it, I’d be able to be there for them too.

If you have any stories, feel free to post whether successful or not ❤ I’m just grateful to be alive, have the one that I do have and have felt love from my spouse throughout it all.

With Love,

Martha

Enjoying New York with a New Perspective

There is this small town I grew up in, in New York that I always imagined one day I would leave. I left that small town probably when I was 19 years old in pursuit of a different life thus I ended up in Ohio. Living in Ohio, I have experienced a new world. It’s nothing compared to the quietness of a small town that I grew up in. Where I am in Ohio is very city like and always full of people and things to do. I am near the center of it where countless people from countless cities around frequent. There are a wide range of limitless options whether it’s food, bars, relationships, schools, etc. I have yet to even get through all the new restaurants and shops that exist around here. Even though it’s busy all the time and it feels like my head spins when I drive up and down the different cities around here, I found a place I can call home, even if it’s completely different in comparison to what I used to call home.

Then my actual home calls to me and I answer the call to visit. When I go back, each and every time I visit some place I used to visit, I create a new memory. Like this time around, I went to my hometown in NY recently and made a point to relax and enjoy the local businesses near my hometown. Unlike what my younger self would have done, my 28 year old self experienced an appreciation for a small business called DeFelippis café. I just itched for a local coffee that wasn’t Dunkin’ Donuts or McDonalds (something that I could’ve gotten anywhere) and wished I had brought a book on my trip, so I could have a few minutes of silence. It was late in the morning when I was eating a few biscotti’s while having simple conversation with my fiancé while people watching at DeFilippis café. The richness of great customer service at a local café as well as the quality of their coffees and pastries reminded me that I could never find that in a franchise.

Two of the four mornings were spent like this except for the mornings I went to eat breakfast at Tilly’s. I would always see that really nice red head lady with glasses. I’m sure she’s been working there longer than I can remember and it just gave me the feeling that I never left. I spent one of those Tilly mornings eating breakfast with one of the friends I have known since I was little. She is someone who is always friendly and warm and managed to understand my fiancé’s humor. We spoke endlessly about her plans and her dreams avoiding any negative talk like the plague. She introduced me to a Greek omelet which was something I have never tried before, thinking how I have looked over the menu tons of times and always overlooked the experience of something new. I made sure to order something different the next time I went.

While I was NY, I also experienced a whole different appreciation for the small towns near my hometown. We spent a lot of time at this bar where I danced literally like no one was watching to some 2000’s hip hop music around I used to listen to. I visited that same bar later when it wasn’t as busy and I think that was the best visit there because only a few people were there and we got to enjoy a drink. I just wondered how I missed out on being an adult in the towns I used to live in. Being back had brought me strong feelings of nostalgia.

I spent most of my time with my sister and brother in law and nephew. I got to walk up from their spot to this huge open field for a small workout, you know, to make sure I “stay on track” (didn’t last very long). It reminded me how nice it was to be able to walk to a location without the struggle of needing to cross busy streets to get there. Every time we would drive by Morningside, I just thought about the times I used to play there when I was a kid, swim in their pool, and boat in their lake. Being outside around this time let me inhale the most cleanest air that nature could offer.

Then when I come back to Ohio I’m reminded that I enjoy stopping by but I probably won’t go back to live there again. I will keep the times I enjoyed there as what they are- as memories to hold onto and do my best to not take for granted the cities nearby now that my daughter will end up calling her home.

Love,

Martha

Grateful Holding You

One of the very few things in my life that brings me tremendous joy is holding my daughter in my arms to put her to sleep. Every time I hold her, I always think to myself how much I will miss her warmth. I take the moment to really soak up the present. I smell her hair and her skin, her 4 year old skin that only grows. I cherish feeling her be that small for the last time because all she’s going to do is grow. So I sing to her and I try to remain aware and not feel so quick to go watch a movie and have me time. My mind often wonders to what I’m going to do when I have my me time but this time, it will be her time.

I think one of the things I struggled most with as a new mother was being able to bond with my child. I don’t feel ashamed to say it because it’s true. It was my struggle. I had been feeling depressed before and after pregnancy. I had to force myself to even get up and do things as well as take care of the baby. I was tired all the time and moody. It was one of the most difficult transitions/phases of my life. I thought I would never be able to grow out of it but with new transitions and phases in life, comes challenges. I pushed through the challenges I faced wondering if I would ever get through them. Eventually, I grew from them. It was those challenges and painful moments that molded and shaped me to work on becoming better.

When I didn’t even think I would become an adequate mother let alone a good mother, here I am. Although I can’t consider myself great or perfect-your good old trophy mom-I mean she’s fed, loved, and dressed so that counts right?

I think we as mothers put so much pressure on other mothers to get it together when in reality it’s a struggle. We struggle to take care of ourselves because we’re so busy taking care of new life when we have newborns. Taking care of oneself is harder when breastfeeding. At that point you are simply a buffet for your human that needs you. I still struggle today. As parents we all struggle. It’s a different beast to face every day, literally.

We are teaching a human or humans who are new to the world how to be human and to be a decent human all the while some of us adult humans have become cynical from the trenches of adulthood. I find that I had push myself to start developing so that I may be able to fill my cup so that I can pour into her cup. It’s to the point that I’ve considered my body a shell, a miraculous vessel that I have to care for if I want to continue to make more or give quality time to my daughter.

Then, there are those moments of clarity in parenthood. Like when I have filled my cup with positivity and joy. There are those days I fed my spirit with the word of the Bible and I feel satisfied in my self development so that I can apply myself and be with my daughter in the best version of myself that I can be that day. I do it to where I can finally feel like, I made it through.

I make it so that the end of the days are worth it. After smiling in the midst of chaos of bills and adulthood, I would finally get to hold her while she sleeps. I feel the most sense of fulfillment when the silence fills the room and all I hear is the whispering of my  voice singing “Los Pollitos” while I listen to her heavy breaths of exhaustion.

There’ll never be a better feeling felt as a mother than to feel your little creation safe and sound and for that, it is all worth it.

Love,

Martha