Finding Love

I think sometimes we over think this love thing, hell, I mean I know I have. I always thought of love being this perfect little fairytale out of a book. You know, where the Prince Charming somehow becomes your savior or hero in action.

Boy was mine a long shot from a perfect knight in shining armor. I think we disappoint ourselves when we have a checklist in mind for who we think we will end up with. He was complex but for me, easy to understand. He was sweet yet yet rough at times. I always wondered how the outcome would be given that I’ve received so many mixed signals at first but our attraction was undeniable. We were told constantly that we should date and it never occurred to me that we actually would until we did. It tickled my curiosity to find out what it would be like especially since he was so quiet and his silence intrigued me. Not only did he make me curious but I enjoyed his company genuinely so I figured it can’t be bad, right?

Well, within those months I was at a time that I call the time period of finding myself. I was still super new to the real world. I haven’t been given much common sense to take with me so most of the time I was oblivious to my own ignorance and nevertheless I did it my way anyway.

I had let myself be free and also let him be in his world. It was freedom and youth at its highest. I mean, I was enjoying myself and living and so was he. I had been experiencing a type of freedom I never had before which was as a result of moving out of my parents’ house and finding out my previous relationship wasn’t going anywhere. It was just a myriad of ropes that snapped and allowed me to find myself.

Yet, the man I chose ended up being the type of man who I could talk to and confide in. Sometimes even when he he was rough, he still managed to feel like home. He was sweet even though I could tell he was fighting with old habits. Don’t we all have those we fight against?

Of course, I managed to get caught in certain crossfires if that but needless to say, I survived. I feel like sometimes people can misjudge if they’re not in the situation or know what’s really going on behind closed doors but I always feel that we all have flaws and are worthy of forgiveness, especially if we carry good hearts.

I’ve found that all the complications and choices led to my being blessed to have a good man. I always felt fear of not knowing what the future held since I’m sure like others have had interesting experiences in their love life.

Given I had very little experience in relationships, I’ve managed to push through a lot of bull. Learning recent news of a few people I almost made it out with, made me feel grateful that I had who I have. I feel like anyone who knows me knows I had been through a lot on my own.

This relationship also after all, allowed me to be vulnerable.

I was always down to experience a new person but not down to immediately move into the idea of forever after. I was having fun, I was young but each time he would express an idea of a deeper meaningful relationship by being a gentleman, it always turned me out. I was with a man.

He changed the idea of never getting married in me. What’s more, is his respect for people in general. I’m sure as most men do, have their moments of whatever men think about or do of course but for the most part, I got lucky to say that I’ve found love where I didn’t expect to find it at all.

Above all, like I told a friend earlier this week, some questions just have no answers and we don’t need to know all of the answers.

We just need to love hard and cherish each moment that we are alive, whether we are in a relationship or not.

I’m thankful I had experienced other people and relationships before I got to say yes to the one I wanted and don’t feel that “what if” feeling, even if I wished at some moments I could’ve done certain things differently in the way I handled situations which simply reminds me that that’s the beauty of life.

Per usual, we take the test before we learn the lesson. I learned how to forgive without receiving an apology nor seeking one.

Not saying follow my example but if you’re still in that zone of finding yourself, let yourself be free and enjoy the moments that come. Someday you’ll look back and be happy that tons of people contributed to the quality of your life and don’t focus on the negative. Both positive and negative things happen but which side you pay attention to more will determine how you view things.

Always live with love, peace, and happiness.

Love,

Martha

Just Feels Different

Hey guys,

So I’m going to get a little deep with this post. I’m sure you all have had these types of moments. The moments that I speak of are moments of clarity. Sometimes we go through life unchecked, sometimes not told of the consequences of our actions, and often judged for them.

I can only tell you that my move to another state has helped me grow in ways that I could never have imagined. I feel that if I had stayed in the same pit that I was in, I would’ve never changed this much. Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I never stepped foot out of my comfort zone and living space.

I’ve run into different kinds of of people in my life from where I used to live to where I live now. I have experienced being completely new to a city. I have learned how people can take advantage of that and most of all, how sometimes the ones you least expect end up having your back the most. I know we all know these types of feelings; the moments of clarity that reach our heart and remind us where we came from and how we got here. It reels us in to evaluate and reflect.

I thank God truly that I’ve been able to experience this much of my life. I’ve been able to experience love in many ways as well as the other side of the spectrum. I’ve experienced the furthest depths of my emotions and recently, have been learning how to discipline them to the best of my ability.

The mind is such a powerful thing. The mind can either work for your benefit if you train it well and it can also be your downfall, if you don’t pay attention. Mindless decisions can create mindless consequences. Although now I’m more mindful of them, even the mindless ones have helped shape me.

I just don’t feel like the person I used to be 5 years ago; and like 5 years before that, I wasn’t the same person then either. Growth is such a powerful thing. You can be a totally different person if enough experiences happen and if enough time passes. You’ll be lucky to say that you were able to and change any bad habits or bad choices of yesterday to prevent repeated mistakes.

This week for me has been the focal point of acceptance. I’ve made tons of choices, some of which I wish I could explain or apologize to certain people for. I have wanted to speak on moments that I wanted closure or clarification for but time has forced me to move on. This taught me that if I run into those thoughts and if it’s for a situation that has long since been forgotten, to not force the conversation and instead, to let it go and forgive myself. Always forgive yourself. You are human and not one of us is perfect.

This week taught me that some things are better left unsaid.

With that said, it doesn’t change how grateful and thankful I am today. I have been blessed to have come across certain people, experience what they offered good or bad, but most importantly, to be able forgive the bad. These moments of clarity are necessary to maintain a perspective and continue moving, in the direction of growth. Learning from your mistakes clears the way for you to allow yourself to forgive yourself and not be afraid to make anymore because that is how we learn. We learn from our own mistakes and if we are lucky we can learn from other’s mistakes.

Some people learn these things too late, sometimes early enough to enhance their life in a better way, and some people never get to have that moment.

Either way, I hope that life is most forgiving to you and that the universe grants you the dreams and aspirations you push and work for. Always be mindful of the energy you give it because surely enough, it will give you that same energy back.

Remember to always be:

Love,

Martha