This year was a whirlwind of emotions to say the least. I let myself be free and unpredictable and wild. Not all of the choices have been made to be the “right” choice or leading me to a path of least resistance but at the same time those choices full of consequences, hurt, happiness, and confusion made me discover things about myself I haven’t had to put to the test yet. Like when you’re in the middle of wanting to dive into the deep end but afraid there’ll be shallow waters.
After all, I’m only 29, going on 30. Life seems so far way from when I was 5. I constantly bring myself back to certain moments in time when I was a child, not knowing I would end up here in this space.
I wish I could’ve said that I learned so much that I was close to perfect. Perfection is something of a disease that I subconsciously cling to. I always aspired and wished I could be the perfect person, the perfect mother, the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect sister, and the perfect daughter. I so wanted to be perfect all round and I found myself time and again disappointed in my inability to meet my own expectations. I used to beat myself up, heavily. I used to mentally beat others if they didn’t meet my expectations. Soon I have made it to when I came across any disappointment, I found hope soon after and made every attempt to heal the wounds. I dusted off my shoes, fixed my shirt, and learned to keep it trucking. Life doesn’t always feel hopeful during or after, sometimes you think you only have the cards you’re dealt with. I have just been through so much that I refuse to believe there isn’t anything else for me in this world that I can’t experience fully and wholly.
I also just as equally found pride in the way I have been able to clear the smokes in fires that came about in my life. I have been placed in many tests that in which I ignored my awareness and eventually listened. Awareness had kept me at bay from things that I knew would harm me. I had been mentally sprained and hit by confusion, mostly caused by my inability to recognize when energy comes with negative intentions.
I have also been made aware of my desires which is my ability to take my time and not rush things and not want to rush things. I used to feel envious of other people and situations only to find there is just as much weeds on the other side of the fence as my own. I felt a sense of gratitude being able to be in my garden and being able to decide on the flowers that are here and what I want to water.
My fear in the unknown has caused a lot of conflict and fear in me that I felt I had to take a step back from what life has assigned to me and do things to break free and feel a sense of freedom I stopped myself from. I found answers in questions I had and I found that I was asking the wrong questions. I used to feel a sense of what if and now I feel the sense of – I knew what if all along. I knew what I needed to do to take care of my mind, body, and soul and I gravitated towards that. I haven’t stopped gravitating towards it since. Like recently volunteering at a community center giving lunch, getting a reminder of what life is like outside of me.
Some things I constantly wish I would’ve done differently but I feel if I had, would I really have made it this far mentally? Would I have been able to know the things I do now? No and I’m so glad. I feel so at peace now and I needed that kind of serenity in my mind. The peace and calmness I was able to develop was resulting from making decisions that I felt were right for me. I knew what I wanted then and for once I was able to align what I wanted to what I needed now. When that happened, the candle fire lit up in my mind and stood burning melting wax of doubt and uncertainty away. I kept doing things that brought me certainty, peace, and love for myself.
Life can be a cruel monster or your best teacher, sometimes you gotta listen to what it’s telling you. A lot of lessons are pretty loud and the little voice in your intuition, is usually right. I have many times stopped to listen to that inner voice and shut her out and my inner voice became so loud and the lessons became so loud that I couldn’t ignore it. I had to listen and I had to listen carefully and fully honor what it’s telling me, no matter who is in my way.
People think I’m a pushover but I think a pushover is someone who stays in the same spot, same situation, same place, continuing to be pushed over and never moving from that spot. That’s not me.