Finding Love

I think sometimes we over think this love thing, hell, I mean I know I have. I always thought of love being this perfect little fairytale out of a book. You know, where the Prince Charming somehow becomes your savior or hero in action.

Boy was mine a long shot from a perfect knight in shining armor. I think we disappoint ourselves when we have a checklist in mind for who we think we will end up with. He was complex but for me, easy to understand. He was sweet yet yet rough at times. I always wondered how the outcome would be given that I’ve received so many mixed signals at first but our attraction was undeniable. We were told constantly that we should date and it never occurred to me that we actually would until we did. It tickled my curiosity to find out what it would be like especially since he was so quiet and his silence intrigued me. Not only did he make me curious but I enjoyed his company genuinely so I figured it can’t be bad, right?

Well, within those months I was at a time that I call the time period of finding myself. I was still super new to the real world. I haven’t been given much common sense to take with me so most of the time I was oblivious to my own ignorance and nevertheless I did it my way anyway.

I had let myself be free and also let him be in his world. It was freedom and youth at its highest. I mean, I was enjoying myself and living and so was he. I had been experiencing a type of freedom I never had before which was as a result of moving out of my parents’ house and finding out my previous relationship wasn’t going anywhere. It was just a myriad of ropes that snapped and allowed me to find myself.

Yet, the man I chose ended up being the type of man who I could talk to and confide in. Sometimes even when he he was rough, he still managed to feel like home. He was sweet even though I could tell he was fighting with old habits. Don’t we all have those we fight against?

Of course, I managed to get caught in certain crossfires if that but needless to say, I survived. I feel like sometimes people can misjudge if they’re not in the situation or know what’s really going on behind closed doors but I always feel that we all have flaws and are worthy of forgiveness, especially if we carry good hearts.

I’ve found that all the complications and choices led to my being blessed to have a good man. I always felt fear of not knowing what the future held since I’m sure like others have had interesting experiences in their love life.

Given I had very little experience in relationships, I’ve managed to push through a lot of bull. Learning recent news of a few people I almost made it out with, made me feel grateful that I had who I have. I feel like anyone who knows me knows I had been through a lot on my own.

This relationship also after all, allowed me to be vulnerable.

I was always down to experience a new person but not down to immediately move into the idea of forever after. I was having fun, I was young but each time he would express an idea of a deeper meaningful relationship by being a gentleman, it always turned me out. I was with a man.

He changed the idea of never getting married in me. What’s more, is his respect for people in general. I’m sure as most men do, have their moments of whatever men think about or do of course but for the most part, I got lucky to say that I’ve found love where I didn’t expect to find it at all.

Above all, like I told a friend earlier this week, some questions just have no answers and we don’t need to know all of the answers.

We just need to love hard and cherish each moment that we are alive, whether we are in a relationship or not.

I’m thankful I had experienced other people and relationships before I got to say yes to the one I wanted and don’t feel that “what if” feeling, even if I wished at some moments I could’ve done certain things differently in the way I handled situations which simply reminds me that that’s the beauty of life.

Per usual, we take the test before we learn the lesson. I learned how to forgive without receiving an apology nor seeking one.

Not saying follow my example but if you’re still in that zone of finding yourself, let yourself be free and enjoy the moments that come. Someday you’ll look back and be happy that tons of people contributed to the quality of your life and don’t focus on the negative. Both positive and negative things happen but which side you pay attention to more will determine how you view things.

Always live with love, peace, and happiness.

Love,

Martha

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The only way that this will work, is if you love me when it hurts.

So I guess I can say that as of July 28, 2017 I’m in a different head space than I was before. I guess all the tears, fights, the kisses, and love endured had been signified in one moment. This moment has to have been one of my happiest moments of my entire life besides the birth of my daughter.

I have to say, my future husband did a fantastic job. I have my greatest story to tell how it happened when my daughter is older. I’m glad he didn’t bring everyone around and kept it intimate. This is something I wanted to share between us and he did what I thought was simple, traditional, and me.

It all started with earlier in the week being told about a date night on a Friday. I agreed, I love date nights. We barely have date nights but when we do, we try to cherish each moment we have with each other. So obviously I was excited. Then he tells me about a spa treatment like getting my nails done on a Friday that I had to take time off work for. I was confused about it because we as women know we can just put that off until the weekend but I tried to take some time off which ended up not going through. So by the time the day came, something in my gut told me there was a reason my nails should be done that day. The feeling was so strong that I decided to do my nails simple French tip manicure.

So here he comes in his blue car and picks me up from work. I slide in the passenger seat and in his hand is a single rose and I’m surprised because for a date night so this was unusual and romantic but at the same time I accepted it as maybe he’s doing this from now on. So he tells me we’re going to one restaurant and end up passing it, which I point out. Then he tells me about another restaurant and again, I point out that we’re not walking the right way. Eventually he takes me to a restaurant I’ve been dying to try but haven’t wanted to go in because I wanted to make sure it was for a special occasion as the menu is pretty pricey. We speak to the host and then we sit in the table and my anxiety is screaming that today may be the day because there’s literally no other reason why I should be here.

A waiter strolls out on this wheel carrier a bouquet of roses and 2 glasses of champagne. They set them down and I’m thinking okay this is extremely romantic. Next thing I know I direct my gaze back to him with probably the most confused panicky look on my face. He said some beautiful deep words quoting a movie (by this time I feel like the whole room is spinning and I hear muffles)then he kneels down and I’m freaking out. FREAKING OUT. My anxiety takes over and just prompts me to put on the ring.

Needless to say I said yes and since then my heart and head has been on cloud 9. I feel myself bursting out with love that was locked in my soul and heart. I give so much credit to Herbalife journey and my future husband and my daughter for bringing this out of me.

I do feel sad that for most of my life, after having crossed some boys who were immature, I was cold but at times I feel like it got me ready for a good man when he came around. The man I’m with is the man I always wanted. He is a kind, loving, generous and fit man. No receding hairline, dad gut, etc. Obviously that’s not all on my list but I can say I was lucky for what I have next to me because he’s more sometimes that I feel like I deserve.

I don’t want to put any other guys I came across down as I know we have grown up by now (or hopefully) but do want to say that certain experiences hindered me in the sense that I was really closed off on the idea of love traditionally up until I turned 24 to the hardest extent but deep inside I knew somehow and in someway the best would come out of me. I worked extremely on myself and am still working to be the better and best person I can be. I want to reach my highest peak for me and my family. I want my daughter to know that the world can be a cruel and cold place but to direct her focus on the parts that make life so beautiful like the good people that I’ve come across that made life worth living.

It was a great weekend, going to be even better when I get to NY this week 🙂

Love,

Martha