Grateful Holding You

One of the very few things in my life that brings me tremendous joy is holding my daughter in my arms to put her to sleep. Every time I hold her, I always think to myself how much I will miss her warmth. I take the moment to really soak up the present. I smell her hair and her skin, her 4 year old skin that only grows. I cherish feeling her be that small for the last time because all she’s going to do is grow. So I sing to her and I try to remain aware and not feel so quick to go watch a movie and have me time. My mind often wonders to what I’m going to do when I have my me time but this time, it will be her time.

I think one of the things I struggled most with as a new mother was being able to bond with my child. I don’t feel ashamed to say it because it’s true. It was my struggle. I had been feeling depressed before and after pregnancy. I had to force myself to even get up and do things as well as take care of the baby. I was tired all the time and moody. It was one of the most difficult transitions/phases of my life. I thought I would never be able to grow out of it but with new transitions and phases in life, comes challenges. I pushed through the challenges I faced wondering if I would ever get through them. Eventually, I grew from them. It was those challenges and painful moments that molded and shaped me to work on becoming better.

When I didn’t even think I would become an adequate mother let alone a good mother, here I am. Although I can’t consider myself great or perfect-your good old trophy mom-I mean she’s fed, loved, and dressed so that counts right?

I think we as mothers put so much pressure on other mothers to get it together when in reality it’s a struggle. We struggle to take care of ourselves because we’re so busy taking care of new life when we have newborns. Taking care of oneself is harder when breastfeeding. At that point you are simply a buffet for your human that needs you. I still struggle today. As parents we all struggle. It’s a different beast to face every day, literally.

We are teaching a human or humans who are new to the world how to be human and to be a decent human all the while some of us adult humans have become cynical from the trenches of adulthood. I find that I had push myself to start developing so that I may be able to fill my cup so that I can pour into her cup. It’s to the point that I’ve considered my body a shell, a miraculous vessel that I have to care for if I want to continue to make more or give quality time to my daughter.

Then, there are those moments of clarity in parenthood. Like when I have filled my cup with positivity and joy. There are those days I fed my spirit with the word of the Bible and I feel satisfied in my self development so that I can apply myself and be with my daughter in the best version of myself that I can be that day. I do it to where I can finally feel like, I made it through.

I make it so that the end of the days are worth it. After smiling in the midst of chaos of bills and adulthood, I would finally get to hold her while she sleeps. I feel the most sense of fulfillment when the silence fills the room and all I hear is the whispering of my  voice singing “Los Pollitos” while I listen to her heavy breaths of exhaustion.

There’ll never be a better feeling felt as a mother than to feel your little creation safe and sound and for that, it is all worth it.

Love,

Martha

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Finding Love

I think sometimes we over think this love thing, hell, I mean I know I have. I always thought of love being this perfect little fairytale out of a book. You know, where the Prince Charming somehow becomes your savior or hero in action.

Boy was mine a long shot from a perfect knight in shining armor. I think we disappoint ourselves when we have a checklist in mind for who we think we will end up with. He was complex but for me, easy to understand. He was sweet yet yet rough at times. I always wondered how the outcome would be given that I’ve received so many mixed signals at first but our attraction was undeniable. We were told constantly that we should date and it never occurred to me that we actually would until we did. It tickled my curiosity to find out what it would be like especially since he was so quiet and his silence intrigued me. Not only did he make me curious but I enjoyed his company genuinely so I figured it can’t be bad, right?

Well, within those months I was at a time that I call the time period of finding myself. I was still super new to the real world. I haven’t been given much common sense to take with me so most of the time I was oblivious to my own ignorance and nevertheless I did it my way anyway.

I had let myself be free and also let him be in his world. It was freedom and youth at its highest. I mean, I was enjoying myself and living and so was he. I had been experiencing a type of freedom I never had before which was as a result of moving out of my parents’ house and finding out my previous relationship wasn’t going anywhere. It was just a myriad of ropes that snapped and allowed me to find myself.

Yet, the man I chose ended up being the type of man who I could talk to and confide in. Sometimes even when he he was rough, he still managed to feel like home. He was sweet even though I could tell he was fighting with old habits. Don’t we all have those we fight against?

Of course, I managed to get caught in certain crossfires if that but needless to say, I survived. I feel like sometimes people can misjudge if they’re not in the situation or know what’s really going on behind closed doors but I always feel that we all have flaws and are worthy of forgiveness, especially if we carry good hearts.

I’ve found that all the complications and choices led to my being blessed to have a good man. I always felt fear of not knowing what the future held since I’m sure like others have had interesting experiences in their love life.

Given I had very little experience in relationships, I’ve managed to push through a lot of bull. Learning recent news of a few people I almost made it out with, made me feel grateful that I had who I have. I feel like anyone who knows me knows I had been through a lot on my own.

This relationship also after all, allowed me to be vulnerable.

I was always down to experience a new person but not down to immediately move into the idea of forever after. I was having fun, I was young but each time he would express an idea of a deeper meaningful relationship by being a gentleman, it always turned me out. I was with a man.

He changed the idea of never getting married in me. What’s more, is his respect for people in general. I’m sure as most men do, have their moments of whatever men think about or do of course but for the most part, I got lucky to say that I’ve found love where I didn’t expect to find it at all.

Above all, like I told a friend earlier this week, some questions just have no answers and we don’t need to know all of the answers.

We just need to love hard and cherish each moment that we are alive, whether we are in a relationship or not.

I’m thankful I had experienced other people and relationships before I got to say yes to the one I wanted and don’t feel that “what if” feeling, even if I wished at some moments I could’ve done certain things differently in the way I handled situations which simply reminds me that that’s the beauty of life.

Per usual, we take the test before we learn the lesson. I learned how to forgive without receiving an apology nor seeking one.

Not saying follow my example but if you’re still in that zone of finding yourself, let yourself be free and enjoy the moments that come. Someday you’ll look back and be happy that tons of people contributed to the quality of your life and don’t focus on the negative. Both positive and negative things happen but which side you pay attention to more will determine how you view things.

Always live with love, peace, and happiness.

Love,

Martha

Just Feels Different

Hey guys,

So I’m going to get a little deep with this post. I’m sure you all have had these types of moments. The moments that I speak of are moments of clarity. Sometimes we go through life unchecked, sometimes not told of the consequences of our actions, and often judged for them.

I can only tell you that my move to another state has helped me grow in ways that I could never have imagined. I feel that if I had stayed in the same pit that I was in, I would’ve never changed this much. Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I never stepped foot out of my comfort zone and living space.

I’ve run into different kinds of of people in my life from where I used to live to where I live now. I have experienced being completely new to a city. I have learned how people can take advantage of that and most of all, how sometimes the ones you least expect end up having your back the most. I know we all know these types of feelings; the moments of clarity that reach our heart and remind us where we came from and how we got here. It reels us in to evaluate and reflect.

I thank God truly that I’ve been able to experience this much of my life. I’ve been able to experience love in many ways as well as the other side of the spectrum. I’ve experienced the furthest depths of my emotions and recently, have been learning how to discipline them to the best of my ability.

The mind is such a powerful thing. The mind can either work for your benefit if you train it well and it can also be your downfall, if you don’t pay attention. Mindless decisions can create mindless consequences. Although now I’m more mindful of them, even the mindless ones have helped shape me.

I just don’t feel like the person I used to be 5 years ago; and like 5 years before that, I wasn’t the same person then either. Growth is such a powerful thing. You can be a totally different person if enough experiences happen and if enough time passes. You’ll be lucky to say that you were able to and change any bad habits or bad choices of yesterday to prevent repeated mistakes.

This week for me has been the focal point of acceptance. I’ve made tons of choices, some of which I wish I could explain or apologize to certain people for. I have wanted to speak on moments that I wanted closure or clarification for but time has forced me to move on. This taught me that if I run into those thoughts and if it’s for a situation that has long since been forgotten, to not force the conversation and instead, to let it go and forgive myself. Always forgive yourself. You are human and not one of us is perfect.

This week taught me that some things are better left unsaid.

With that said, it doesn’t change how grateful and thankful I am today. I have been blessed to have come across certain people, experience what they offered good or bad, but most importantly, to be able forgive the bad. These moments of clarity are necessary to maintain a perspective and continue moving, in the direction of growth. Learning from your mistakes clears the way for you to allow yourself to forgive yourself and not be afraid to make anymore because that is how we learn. We learn from our own mistakes and if we are lucky we can learn from other’s mistakes.

Some people learn these things too late, sometimes early enough to enhance their life in a better way, and some people never get to have that moment.

Either way, I hope that life is most forgiving to you and that the universe grants you the dreams and aspirations you push and work for. Always be mindful of the energy you give it because surely enough, it will give you that same energy back.

Remember to always be:


Love,

Martha

September Update

Hey guys so glad to see you all back here!

So tons and tons has happened since I last posted. Last big event that happened was that I got proposed to by the man I have always wanted. Next thing you know, I realized that was asked of me afterwards is when’s the date, how, who, what, where, and I’m like, huh?

I never knew how weddings can get really complicated but I did know how I can use this as an opportunity to create something out of me. I did know that wedding planning is difficult but I felt like I could handle it. Then, to my surprise, I reached out to someone who was also getting married even though at the moment I thought she had already gotten married (I was trying to get referrals of catering, DJ, etc.) I wanted to create something simple and not so crazy since I decided if I’m going to do this I might as well try referrals first. Then to my luck and surprise she let me know one day she wanted start up a an event planning company. So we spoke and I feel personally that the wedding will be beautiful, simple and inexpensive.

Ladies, if you decide you’re about to get married, know that it is not a walk in the park. Research goes into the venue after you decide on a date because why? You have to know if they’ll even be available for when you want it! To my surprise, tons of couples schedule these things years ahead of time and I’m like within months of wanting to get married. Whoops! Well I wanted to do something cute and simple without it being effortless. If you have that kind of money, though, you’ll be able to afford a wedding planner.

I want there to show the work that I also put in to this but I trust the person I spoke with. Plus to me, this an opportunity to practice project management. Yes, that is a thing.

Anyway, I realized as of last weekend, I wasn’t exactly a “party girl” anymore. I went out to Spain for the weekend just to enjoy myself. I got sloppy reaaaaaaaaal fast. Definitely underestimated my capacity lol! I haven’t been out in a while though and the drinks after a while started to taste like water. By the time I realized how drunk I was, I was chugging water and water and dancing as much as I could to sober up. One thing I can say is I’m a professional sober upper haha. Bathroom, water, and physical activity. Food is ideal but I was NOT about to break the diet 🙂

Lastly, this one client I have been helping with her weight loss has been making me so unpredictably proud! It’s like insane and amazing to see someone change their whole bodies and lose some weight and keep it down and not only that but be able to incorporate physical activity. Literally I have made it a priority to help my community as best as possible. I just enjoy trying to get into the swing of things. Since I’m still learning it feels challenging but my client has been doing an amazing job so it makes me feel like I am.

I’ve revisited my past for a moment, sometimes one feels like before moving on or forward, one must reassure and accept the past as being what it is, the past. I just felt so heart freeing after saying my piece telling of my peace. It was liberating.

I just felt a lot of the times in my past I was too savage on my own. Lately though, I have been doing tons of things, even to this day, to work on it. Lately though, I’ve been focusing my energy on my strengths.

Don’t forget guys, to work on yourselves everyday. I cannot stress how important that is. Everyday if you can, listen to some motivational videos, do some physical activity, let your day be more than just another day of nothingness and you’ll see eventually the fruit of all your labors. One thing is for sure, hard work WILL pay off.

Love,

Martha

DIY Coconut Milk Shampoo

So what happened was, I just recently bought shampoo and unfortunately it got left behind in another city! We are going to more but since I am short on time and where I live seems to be a hurricane right now, I decided to make some shampoo at home! (I also had the ingredients though). I also wouldn’t mind detoxing my hair in the meanwhile with natural and organic ingredients to keep it healthy and soft.

But first ☝🏼 the ingredients.

The ingredients involve:

3/4 cups of homemade or store bought coconut milk

20-30 drops of the essential oils of your choice

3/4 cups of Dr. Bronner Castile soap (use baby for children/babies)

3 TSP of vegetable glycerine

1 storage container bottle you’d put it in.

Mine was a very basic dollar store bought squirt bottle. So with that in mind, my ingredients are based on how much that would hold without overflowing.

First in a separate bowl I placed the coconut milk, Castile soap, glycerine, and essential oils. I whisked very lightly to mix the ingredients for only a few seconds and poured it into my bottle. Then I shook the bottle.

See! Easy peasy. I didn’t even realize how easy it was until I quickly did it.

Note: you can use any essential oils you choose. The essential oils I have are from Young Living which are pure and home grown. I used purification because I could smell the hint of rosemary, the tea tree because tea tree ALWAYS does wonders for your hair, scalp, and skin, and the peppermint because it’ll awaken your skin.

If you use a few like I did, make sure you pour more drops of the one you want to smell likemore than the others. I put 15 tea tree, 10 peppermint and 5 purification. 

Thank you for visiting my blog today, hope that was helpful to you!

Love,

Martha

The only way that this will work, is if you love me when it hurts.

So I guess I can say that as of July 28, 2017 I’m in a different head space than I was before. I guess all the tears, fights, the kisses, and love endured had been signified in one moment. This moment has to have been one of my happiest moments of my entire life besides the birth of my daughter.

I have to say, my future husband did a fantastic job. I have my greatest story to tell how it happened when my daughter is older. I’m glad he didn’t bring everyone around and kept it intimate. This is something I wanted to share between us and he did what I thought was simple, traditional, and me.

It all started with earlier in the week being told about a date night on a Friday. I agreed, I love date nights. We barely have date nights but when we do, we try to cherish each moment we have with each other. So obviously I was excited. Then he tells me about a spa treatment like getting my nails done on a Friday that I had to take time off work for. I was confused about it because we as women know we can just put that off until the weekend but I tried to take some time off which ended up not going through. So by the time the day came, something in my gut told me there was a reason my nails should be done that day. The feeling was so strong that I decided to do my nails simple French tip manicure.

So here he comes in his blue car and picks me up from work. I slide in the passenger seat and in his hand is a single rose and I’m surprised because for a date night so this was unusual and romantic but at the same time I accepted it as maybe he’s doing this from now on. So he tells me we’re going to one restaurant and end up passing it, which I point out. Then he tells me about another restaurant and again, I point out that we’re not walking the right way. Eventually he takes me to a restaurant I’ve been dying to try but haven’t wanted to go in because I wanted to make sure it was for a special occasion as the menu is pretty pricey. We speak to the host and then we sit in the table and my anxiety is screaming that today may be the day because there’s literally no other reason why I should be here.

A waiter strolls out on this wheel carrier a bouquet of roses and 2 glasses of champagne. They set them down and I’m thinking okay this is extremely romantic. Next thing I know I direct my gaze back to him with probably the most confused panicky look on my face. He said some beautiful deep words quoting a movie (by this time I feel like the whole room is spinning and I hear muffles)then he kneels down and I’m freaking out. FREAKING OUT. My anxiety takes over and just prompts me to put on the ring.

Needless to say I said yes and since then my heart and head has been on cloud 9. I feel myself bursting out with love that was locked in my soul and heart. I give so much credit to Herbalife journey and my future husband and my daughter for bringing this out of me.

I do feel sad that for most of my life, after having crossed some boys who were immature, I was cold but at times I feel like it got me ready for a good man when he came around. The man I’m with is the man I always wanted. He is a kind, loving, generous and fit man. No receding hairline, dad gut, etc. Obviously that’s not all on my list but I can say I was lucky for what I have next to me because he’s more sometimes that I feel like I deserve.

I don’t want to put any other guys I came across down as I know we have grown up by now (or hopefully) but do want to say that certain experiences hindered me in the sense that I was really closed off on the idea of love traditionally up until I turned 24 to the hardest extent but deep inside I knew somehow and in someway the best would come out of me. I worked extremely on myself and am still working to be the better and best person I can be. I want to reach my highest peak for me and my family. I want my daughter to know that the world can be a cruel and cold place but to direct her focus on the parts that make life so beautiful like the good people that I’ve come across that made life worth living.

It was a great weekend, going to be even better when I get to NY this week 🙂

Love,

Martha