The more things seem the same, the more they seem to change.

I’ve been having writers block lately but with the desire to write. I took out my notebook yesterday and my mind wanted to fill up the papers with words I had in my head but I got distracted so I ended up not writing and just did the basic. There’s a foundation I never want to stop and want to continue which is writing as much as possible the five things I’m grateful for.

I have just been doing a lot of spiritual healing, more so having a better attitude and reacting less to triggers. I have grown up in a world where I cared too much about what people thought and how people felt that I couldn’t be as honest as I wanted to be. I am in a space where I’m allowing my values to take over my past and renew my present. I have started to care less about what people say and do and more about what I can do in my own power in response. For a moment I also ran into a hiccup. It’s true when they say that some wounds will appear when you don’t deal with them at the moment that they happen and it’s crazy how much I was even willing to hurt myself because I didn’t love myself enough to address them. Just recently heard a video in which Mel Robbins spoke on a statistic on the odds of being alive right now. 1 in 400 trillion. In short I’m one lucky son of a gun. So even though in a sense I really try not to take my life so seriously now, I still take into consideration the fortune of getting to ride this world in the life that I have been given.

So I found myself in a sea of emotions recently, reminding how human I was and unforgiving I was to myself. I felt as if I was drowning in certain moments, like I couldn’t catch my breath and I was treading for survival. There were wounds that opened up and I had to learn to forgive myself for them. At first I wanted a lot of things to go a particular way because of them but I ultimately figured there’s beauty in the mystery of life. There’s beauty in not forcing things to happen the way that you imagine in your head. There’s beauty in letting life take it’s course and just having the best attitude about it and taking action to ensure the course is smooth.

I found that some things are not forever but that beautiful memories are life’s way of reminding you the great stories you came across being forever for you. Life has a way of introducing even more beautiful memories, much more beautiful than we could reminisce on. So much of that reminded me to focus on the present and I have often had to bring myself back a bunch of times. I am very satisfied in being able to pull myself back though by allowing myself to feel certain things and allowing myself to let go of the fluttering butterfly of emotions that land in the palm of my hands unexpectedly.

I am just lucky, so lucky to have been working on healing my wounds, something I never even thought I’d get to do but I do them so that my daughter won’t pick up the damage. I am also lucky to have been loved, even in those moments when I have felt at my lowest.

Always grateful for the things I experience and happy for life I’m breathing.

Love,

Martha

The only way that this will work, is if you love me when it hurts.

So I guess I can say that as of July 28, 2017 I’m in a different head space than I was before. I guess all the tears, fights, the kisses, and love endured had been signified in one moment. This moment has to have been one of my happiest moments of my entire life besides the birth of my daughter.

I have to say, my future husband did a fantastic job. I have my greatest story to tell how it happened when my daughter is older. I’m glad he didn’t bring everyone around and kept it intimate. This is something I wanted to share between us and he did what I thought was simple, traditional, and me.

It all started with earlier in the week being told about a date night on a Friday. I agreed, I love date nights. We barely have date nights but when we do, we try to cherish each moment we have with each other. So obviously I was excited. Then he tells me about a spa treatment like getting my nails done on a Friday that I had to take time off work for. I was confused about it because we as women know we can just put that off until the weekend but I tried to take some time off which ended up not going through. So by the time the day came, something in my gut told me there was a reason my nails should be done that day. The feeling was so strong that I decided to do my nails simple French tip manicure.

So here he comes in his blue car and picks me up from work. I slide in the passenger seat and in his hand is a single rose and I’m surprised because for a date night so this was unusual and romantic but at the same time I accepted it as maybe he’s doing this from now on. So he tells me we’re going to one restaurant and end up passing it, which I point out. Then he tells me about another restaurant and again, I point out that we’re not walking the right way. Eventually he takes me to a restaurant I’ve been dying to try but haven’t wanted to go in because I wanted to make sure it was for a special occasion as the menu is pretty pricey. We speak to the host and then we sit in the table and my anxiety is screaming that today may be the day because there’s literally no other reason why I should be here.

A waiter strolls out on this wheel carrier a bouquet of roses and 2 glasses of champagne. They set them down and I’m thinking okay this is extremely romantic. Next thing I know I direct my gaze back to him with probably the most confused panicky look on my face. He said some beautiful deep words quoting a movie (by this time I feel like the whole room is spinning and I hear muffles)then he kneels down and I’m freaking out. FREAKING OUT. My anxiety takes over and just prompts me to put on the ring.

Needless to say I said yes and since then my heart and head has been on cloud 9. I feel myself bursting out with love that was locked in my soul and heart. I give so much credit to Herbalife journey and my future husband and my daughter for bringing this out of me.

I do feel sad that for most of my life, after having crossed some boys who were immature, I was cold but at times I feel like it got me ready for a good man when he came around. The man I’m with is the man I always wanted. He is a kind, loving, generous and fit man. No receding hairline, dad gut, etc. Obviously that’s not all on my list but I can say I was lucky for what I have next to me because he’s more sometimes that I feel like I deserve.

I don’t want to put any other guys I came across down as I know we have grown up by now (or hopefully) but do want to say that certain experiences hindered me in the sense that I was really closed off on the idea of love traditionally up until I turned 24 to the hardest extent but deep inside I knew somehow and in someway the best would come out of me. I worked extremely on myself and am still working to be the better and best person I can be. I want to reach my highest peak for me and my family. I want my daughter to know that the world can be a cruel and cold place but to direct her focus on the parts that make life so beautiful like the good people that I’ve come across that made life worth living.

It was a great weekend, going to be even better when I get to NY this week 🙂

Love,

Martha