Self-Growth Is A Constant

Hey loves,

I know I haven’t written since the last post but I have been in the process of doing a lot of growing, book reading, re-evaluating and soul searching. I have had a pretty busy last few weeks also from certain situations arising that take my attention from the things I love to do. But, no harm done- back to the grind, still doing the things that I love.

I am currently riding a wave of newness. A new beginning for me within the firm I work for is approaching therefore giving me excitement for the unknown. I’m still coaching clients via Herbalife, sharing the ideas I have through my social media platforms, and continue to find new skills and talents that I can work on this year to share with the world. I’m beyond excited to be able to!

To give you guys a quick update on the position, it started off as something I have been trying to obtain last year because of the skills I want to gain that I did not have awareness to from my very few years of adulthood. For a quick explanation of what that is, I am in the business now where networking is a requirement for growth. I realize that the best way I can attempt to mold and shape my views/skills is by speaking with and communicating with tons of different people with different personalities without judgment to understand how to adapt to them. I used to believe I wasn’t a people person because I considered myself as an “introvert” or “shy” and really what I ended up finding is that it translated to the fears I have of rejection.

Long story short, this position did not accept me last year but did accept me this year, and in all reality, fell into my lap. The moment I did not get the job last year, I was disappointed but made no issue of dwelling on it. I quickly moved on and found myself in predicaments around people who were going the opposite of positive growth. Luckily the opportunity presented itself again and I decided this was no coincidence, it was the Universe telling me that this was the step I needed to take. My inner voice strongly agreed with it, applied and got it.

I worked extremely hard, since the last time I wrote and still continue to work hard on expanding my mind and opening my mind as well as my heart to the idea that I can design who I am and my life. It has been an extreme breath of fresh air. Ever since, nothing but blessings have come my way. Yes, with some resistance but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t work around.

I have started by taking myself out to dinner or lunch, breaking myself out of the mold I put myself in for so long, finding it unnecessary to require company in order to enjoy life’s simple pleasures. It is insane how your own beliefs can box you up and keep you home because of any inkling of discomfort (I’ve clearly read one too many spiritual books since I started this self-growth journey.)

I have found myself more aware becoming much more inclined to smile and look in someone’s eyes to be able to feel their energy as well as the moment. So many small things that I found myself doing that I stopped myself from believing in for a few years, I started to see become so far removed. I continue to shed each layer of limiting beliefs, conditioning, and habits that kept me from being the best me I can be.

To get a little deeper, I have also found myself in a position that did push me back a few steps. There was something that presented an inner conflict when particular situations and persons appeared in my life. I had in a few occasions started betraying my inner voice, not listening to my gut. I almost felt myself lose control.

I was able to see that I was adding back on the old habits and conditioning. I became again, insecure and feeling my self-esteem starting to shake that my ego started to arise. I didn’t feel like myself anymore at one point. Then, my inner voice shouting as loud as it can in me, pulled me away from the toxicity of the air that was my fear, worry, doubts, and meaningless desires to remind me where I’m going. Still, although a pain to have to go through, all of it was necessary.

It helped me see what it is I truly want, who I was becoming and who I want to be. It helped me also notice how these moments of despair can also easily sprout joy and happiness once the focus shifts. The disappointment and sadness was acknowledged. I let it settle in for a moment. I coddled it and told it that it was okay to visit but that it had to go now. Now, it was time to focus and concentrate on the things that bring me joy and happiness and release any attachments and expectations.

Although some old habits started to latch itself on, it wasn’t strong enough. Luckily I love myself and others far too much to destroy the work and progress I built. My skin became like oil, preventing conditioning and toxicity to hold. Suddenly, they all fell like leaves and blew into the wind. I have been practicing so much forgiveness from that time of my life- forgiving myself and others and letting go as gracefully as I can. In the end, I feel no bitterness. I feel more alive than I ever was because I embrace each moment and truly felt everything. I realize I am less afraid to be vulnerable and that’s where I found my courage.

Now, I am happy because I know that I am not what I have done, what I believe, nor my habits. I know I am not my past. I’ve learned how to find and be the light when it’s dark and also find light in others. I focus now on the intention of what my energy and presence will give when I am somewhere.

I was fortunate enough to come across people who’s light came to touch me and be part of what’s considered my only life’s journey, whether it was good or bad. A million, trillion, billion people in the world, many I don’t know, many places I haven’t seen but I’m beyond blessed, to see the ones I have and know and it doesn’t stop here! Growth is a constant, ever changing, evolution of a revolution against societal conditioning. More to tell later…hopefully soon!

Love,

Martha

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The more things seem the same, the more they seem to change.

I’ve been having writers block lately but with the desire to write. I took out my notebook yesterday and my mind wanted to fill up the papers with words I had in my head but I got distracted so I ended up not writing and just did the basic. There’s a foundation I never want to stop and want to continue which is writing as much as possible the five things I’m grateful for.

I have just been doing a lot of spiritual healing, more so having a better attitude and reacting less to triggers. I have grown up in a world where I cared too much about what people thought and how people felt that I couldn’t be as honest as I wanted to be. I am in a space where I’m allowing my values to take over my past and renew my present. I have started to care less about what people say and do and more about what I can do in my own power in response. For a moment I also ran into a hiccup. It’s true when they say that some wounds will appear when you don’t deal with them at the moment that they happen and it’s crazy how much I was even willing to hurt myself because I didn’t love myself enough to address them. Just recently heard a video in which Mel Robbins spoke on a statistic on the odds of being alive right now. 1 in 400 trillion. In short I’m one lucky son of a gun. So even though in a sense I really try not to take my life so seriously now, I still take into consideration the fortune of getting to ride this world in the life that I have been given.

So I found myself in a sea of emotions recently, reminding how human I was and unforgiving I was to myself. I felt as if I was drowning in certain moments, like I couldn’t catch my breath and I was treading for survival. There were wounds that opened up and I had to learn to forgive myself for them. At first I wanted a lot of things to go a particular way because of them but I ultimately figured there’s beauty in the mystery of life. There’s beauty in not forcing things to happen the way that you imagine in your head. There’s beauty in letting life take it’s course and just having the best attitude about it and taking action to ensure the course is smooth.

I found that some things are not forever but that beautiful memories are life’s way of reminding you the great stories you came across being forever for you. Life has a way of introducing even more beautiful memories, much more beautiful than we could reminisce on. So much of that reminded me to focus on the present and I have often had to bring myself back a bunch of times. I am very satisfied in being able to pull myself back though by allowing myself to feel certain things and allowing myself to let go of the fluttering butterfly of emotions that land in the palm of my hands unexpectedly.

I am just lucky, so lucky to have been working on healing my wounds, something I never even thought I’d get to do but I do them so that my daughter won’t pick up the damage. I am also lucky to have been loved, even in those moments when I have felt at my lowest.

Always grateful for the things I experience and happy for life I’m breathing.

Love,

Martha

Grateful Holding You

One of the very few things in my life that brings me tremendous joy is holding my daughter in my arms to put her to sleep. Every time I hold her, I always think to myself how much I will miss her warmth. I take the moment to really soak up the present. I smell her hair and her skin, her 4 year old skin that only grows. I cherish feeling her be that small for the last time because all she’s going to do is grow. So I sing to her and I try to remain aware and not feel so quick to go watch a movie and have me time. My mind often wonders to what I’m going to do when I have my me time but this time, it will be her time.

I think one of the things I struggled most with as a new mother was being able to bond with my child. I don’t feel ashamed to say it because it’s true. It was my struggle. I had been feeling depressed before and after pregnancy. I had to force myself to even get up and do things as well as take care of the baby. I was tired all the time and moody. It was one of the most difficult transitions/phases of my life. I thought I would never be able to grow out of it but with new transitions and phases in life, comes challenges. I pushed through the challenges I faced wondering if I would ever get through them. Eventually, I grew from them. It was those challenges and painful moments that molded and shaped me to work on becoming better.

When I didn’t even think I would become an adequate mother let alone a good mother, here I am. Although I can’t consider myself great or perfect-your good old trophy mom-I mean she’s fed, loved, and dressed so that counts right?

I think we as mothers put so much pressure on other mothers to get it together when in reality it’s a struggle. We struggle to take care of ourselves because we’re so busy taking care of new life when we have newborns. Taking care of oneself is harder when breastfeeding. At that point you are simply a buffet for your human that needs you. I still struggle today. As parents we all struggle. It’s a different beast to face every day, literally.

We are teaching a human or humans who are new to the world how to be human and to be a decent human all the while some of us adult humans have become cynical from the trenches of adulthood. I find that I had push myself to start developing so that I may be able to fill my cup so that I can pour into her cup. It’s to the point that I’ve considered my body a shell, a miraculous vessel that I have to care for if I want to continue to make more or give quality time to my daughter.

Then, there are those moments of clarity in parenthood. Like when I have filled my cup with positivity and joy. There are those days I fed my spirit with the word of the Bible and I feel satisfied in my self development so that I can apply myself and be with my daughter in the best version of myself that I can be that day. I do it to where I can finally feel like, I made it through.

I make it so that the end of the days are worth it. After smiling in the midst of chaos of bills and adulthood, I would finally get to hold her while she sleeps. I feel the most sense of fulfillment when the silence fills the room and all I hear is the whispering of my  voice singing “Los Pollitos” while I listen to her heavy breaths of exhaustion.

There’ll never be a better feeling felt as a mother than to feel your little creation safe and sound and for that, it is all worth it.

Love,

Martha